Lamentations of a Book Slut

So, it was a lazy afternoon and as is normal for any bored-out-of-their-mind college going teenager, I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook. 
But as we all know, Facebook CAN be boring too (not that it stops us from logging back in, 5 minutes after logging out).
So I was about to do the log out-log in ritual when a notification popped up. My friend had tagged me in a wall post.
When I saw the picture she'd tagged me in, I HAD to laugh. Everything that it portrayed was shamelessly accurate.

A Book Slut. 
I'm sure many people would be irked by the particular choice of nomenclature. Not so much the "book" part as the "slut". Well, I'm personally not a big fan of profanities. Occasionally, when situations do not permit to vent my feelings by kicking something or someone, a certain F word along with a bunch of it's mates, line up and make their way out of my mouth (but I swear, the satisfaction of kicking is incomparable).


So, where were we? Yeah... the Book Slut. Though some of you might find it objectionable, I love the name (and am proud to be one myself). It's bold and like I said earlier, shamelessly accurate.


What distinguishes a Book Slut from a non-reader and a reader?

• We don't love books. We are OBSESSED with them.

Imagine this:
A guy. Let's call him Random Dude. So Random Dude gives you two options: In one hand he has 500 bucks. In another, a book worth 500 bucks. What would you choose?


The Non-Reader: "The cash obviously... Duh."
The Reader: "The book... if it's a good one."

The Book Slut: "Oh, that's a simple one. Bitch slap the living pineapples outta whats-his-name, grab the book AND the cash, make a beeline to the bookstore, buy a new book worth 500 bucks. It's a win-win situation. For me."


What you learn: Book Sluts are ruthless when it comes to books and book deals. I'd personally say it's better if you steer clear of being the Random Dude from the above example.

• We don't hold books. We caress them. Like our own babies.

Books are our most prized possessions. Dare to treat them carelessly and *BOOM* you just got your name on a hit-list, bro. 
Dog-ears, pencil scratches, cover creases on paperbacks, spilt food/drinks on our books are NEVER from us. They are ALWAYS from people we lend our books to. And you have no idea how much these crimes irritate us. Yes, you read right. CRIMES. I mean, do we scribble on you? Do we throw food on you? No, right? Then y u do it to our books?! 

WHY?!

This despicable behavior is exactly what prevents us from lending our books to you. We are scared. Ask for anything: clothes, eyeliner, shoes... you name it and we'll lend it to you happily. But never books. Because you DO NOT know how much it physically hurts us when it goes to you in a pristine condition and comes back as a bloody second-hand knock off. 

• Nothing makes us happier than a new book.

A new book: a word worth an orgasm. Hell, even BETTER than an orgasm. The feeling we get when we open the packaging (neatly, obviously) and smell the fresh pages... is indescribable. The fingers softly caressing (am i the only one who is thinking of this line in another context? :P) while the nose reaches for the spine and the brain sings "Hallelujah".... mmmmmm.. absolute perfection. Life does NOT get better than that.

               

          That's how most of us look like after we're done with our package opening ritual.

• We're magniloquent.. and we know it.

We love words. Fancy words that make a normal person scratch their head with confusion. Like I did, with "magniloquent". It's an adjective used to describe someone with an elaborate and grandiose style of speaking/writing. When you hear someone use a cool phrase, you imitate them. You use the same phrase. Why do you do that? When you get the answer to that, you'll also understand our fascination with fancy words. We think they sound cool, they convey our thoughts better and we love it when you ask us their meanings. Why wouldn't we use them? So, stop complaining. You're only wasting your breath. It's not going to make us dumb down our sentences.  

While we're at this, I might as well add that we're ardent grammar Nazis. The charm of an article, or even a person diminishes vanishes, the minute we realize grammar is something from another planet for them. And it does not take long for us to realize this. 

Everybody has some habit that is like second nature to them. Someone bites their nails, someone has an annoying catchphrase, someone talks incessantly. We correct grammar. It's our second nature, though it earns us a lot of nicknames along the lines of "pretentious", "pompous" and "vain". You know something? We don't deny it. We're actually secretly proud of ourselves for being all of those.

• We live in our own little world. When you come in and disrupt our peace there, we are NOT amused.

One of the most annoying things a non-reader can do to a Book Slut is grab the book out of their hands when they're reading. What is this? A lame attempt at trying to include us in conversations? I'll tell you what. It is NOT cool. 

We do not read because we feel left out. We deliberately leave YOU out and travel to places unknown to you. Trust me, its way more productive than your conversations which mostly include elaborately spread-out bitching sessions. We do not need your "sympathy". It's annoying and rude. Besides, you'll be lucky if you don't have a broken limb by the time I grab my book back from you.

I felt merciful that day. So no broken limbs.

So, after all these insults and threats, I hope non-readers get a glimpse of what goes on inside the mind of a Book Slut. Though I won't be surprised if you don't. I agree. We are complex beings. And it would take a lot more than a blog post to actually understand us. You have my sympathy.

But it was a real pleasure writing this rant. It felt like saying "payback time!" to all those people who look at me funny. Just because I read books.

The next time you come across a Book Slut, beware. You never insult a higher being. NEVER.

Post Script: This post was written purely for entertainment purposes. The author is solely responsible for the views expressed.

Any offence caused intentionally or unintentionally is deeply regretted. NOT. HAHAHAHAHA... like I said, "Payback time!!" 

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!