The Pain Inside

Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again.  So 


when life gets tough you can just play pretend.  I 


wanna go back to when Santa did exist.  When your 


daddy was theonly boy you ever kissed.  When Disney 


World was the best place to be.  When the only movies 


you could see were rated G.  When your biggest 


problem was learning to write your name and people 


didn't change...and your friends were the same.  And 


every time you were sad or you had a bad day.  You 


could just run to mommy and it would all be okay.  I 


wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter.  


When everyone alwayslives happily ever after.

~ When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to 


myself is...how can I seem so---perfectly fine in the 


morning.  Why do I smile like nothing is wrong?  And 


how does not one single person notice that I'm not 


okay?

~ I don't know what I want in life.  I don't know what I 


want right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting so much 


inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be 


any more of me left.  Everything that ever cause a tear 


to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from 


it.  But now, everything is unwinding and finding its 


way back towards me.  And I don't know what to do.  I 


just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting 


ten times more.

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, 


so how can I be sure about anything?  Most of the time 


I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my 


own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just 


scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

I'm not saying I have nothing.  I'm not saying I'm gone 


completely.  It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much 


to handle.  Sometimes I feel like it's too much.  I'm not 


going to do anything stupid because I know it will get 


better, it has to right?  Otherwise there wouldn't be 


anyone who would live past such times.  But for now, 


just for now, it hurts.

Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one 


minute in my shoes?  If you haven't, then tell me why 


you judge me like you do...